Resentment is an inevitable part of life. We’re all human. We all get up in our feelings from time to time. But recently, while reading Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown, I was enlightened on this pesky, yet prevalent feeling. This led to an AHA moment which then led to the foolproof discovery of how to get rid of resentment in marriage & friendship. So, you’re probably asking what sparked all this, huh? I’ll let you in on the secret…
Brown shared that resentment stems from envy.
Now, I, like many people, had never thought of resentment in this way. Up to this point in my life, I had never taken a step back and truly asked myself why I was experiencing feelings of resentment towards those in my world.
So, today I want to share what I uncovered about resentment and what it really means. Then, we’ll take it a step further so you can rid resentment from your life once and for all. Let’s do the damn thing, shall we?
What is Resentment?
When you Google the question, “What is resentment?” you’ll, of course, get the Oxford Dictionary response of “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.” But, after reading Atlas of the Heart, I think we need to blow that definition up and start over.
In reality, while that could be the case, more often, resentment is your emotional response to the actions of others.
Think about it this way…
When you’re resentful of your spouse for playing video games while you clean, are you truly resentful that they’re playing games?
Or are you jealous that you can’t take a moment to relax?
When you’re resentful that your best friend is going on vacation with her partner and leaving her kids behind, do you truly care?
Or are you jealous you won’t allow yourself the liberty to do the same?
Two Steps for How to Get Rid of Resentment & Live Your Life Wholeheartedly
Ask Yourself This One Specific Question
I think the first and most important thing when it comes to how to get rid of resentment is asking yourself one very specific question when those icky feelings and that negative state of mind start to fester:
What are they doing that I am resenting? What’s causing these negative emotions within me?
I’ll tell ya a quick story to share how powerful this simple question can be.
When I was a new mom, I had a friend group who became moms around the same time. When we had young kids, they chose to go back to living their lives. They kept their social life (in fact, they appeared to be thriving). Whereas I chose to abandon everything for my kids. I had so many opinions on their choices and harbored so much bitterness.
So, when Atlas of the Heart prompts you to ask a similar question as I posed above, I used this as my example.
By examining this, I was able to uncover that I resented them because I was envious that they were choosing their freedom.
At the time I held these feelings, I felt like I had no freedom due to my own decisions. I gave up my life, I abandoned my own youthfulness to be the uber responsible mom. So, while I didn’t want to be out partying or making new friends—my focus was truly on my family—I was jealous of their freedom and the fact that they made choices putting themselves first.
Pretty eye-opening, ey?
This simple question helps reframe everything.
So, now I challenge you to ask yourself this simple yet wildly powerful question and choose a new reaction.
Choose a New Reaction: Implementing This in Your Most Valued Relationships
Resentment can wreak havoc on relationships of all kinds. Many of us spend so much time in our lives bottling up our emotions, not asking the tough questions to break those emotions down. So, I have another tough question comin’ atcha now so we can break these patterns:
Who have you been rehearsing telling off or harboring resentment towards for some time?
If you’re having a conversation about resenting something or someone in your mind, it needs to be addressed if you care about that person.
First, with yourself to uncover the why behind your feelings. This is how you choose a new reaction. You can look within yourself to see what is causing that envy, and what you may need to give to yourself to feel free, supported, worthy, and/or loved.
Then, if there’s no solution, confront your partner, friend, or whoever you’re feeling these feelings towards. We discuss this in more detail in the podcast, sharing how to shift your approach positively for ultimate growth.
So, if you’re ready to do the hard work necessary to become the best possible version of yourself (okay, not if… YOU GOT THIS), give the podcast a listen now.
We dive much deeper into the theme of resentment in relationships of all kinds (with lots of examples) and how to get rid of resentment in your life. It’s not easy work. But, as you know, nothing worthwhile is easy when it comes to a personal transformation journey to build stronger relationships.
